Someone once asked me if I’d pick money or love. I began to say love but then I remembered love hurts….
so I chose money.
I no longer wish to please others at the expense of my emotional well-being. I have mastered the art of giving for so long that I forgot how it feels to receive. I feel like a magician, concealing my real identity only to entertain those around me. It’s a lonely world sometimes when you constantly give and look around for anyone that will give back.
I long for a prescription that will cure me of this,
My need for constant giving,
Stroking anyone that wants to be stroked,
Giving to everyone without having anything to give,
I want to know what it’s like to feel free, to get rid of this illness
To love and have someone love back
To enjoy life without discounts
half ass moments with half ass people
waiting for handouts
While I’m patiently waiting for someone to serve me!
I’m a paradox. I want to be happy, but I think of things that make me sad.
I’m lazy, yet ambitious.
I say I don’t care, but I really do.
I crave attention, but reject it when it comes my way.
I’m a conflicted contradiction, if I can’t figure myself out there’s no way anyone else has.
I have a secret bigger than the two of us, bigger than the lies I tell myself, bigger than the dreams I pretend to chase, bigger than the weight I carry over my shoulders from all my past disappointments and regrets.
You’ve heard my secret before, I’ve whispered it to you through my skin while you crawl down to my Garden of Eden gently massaging my throbbing muscle.
I want you all to myself,
I can’t get you out of my head, not that I’m even trying to,
I don’t want you to get out, I want you to stay~
forever if you can.
My secret sneaks up on me daily like blessings in an unfamiliar crowd
You are an addiction
cravings I get like a strung out junkie but instead of needles I use your body parts for a fix
My secret is too heavy to carry alone,
It weighs on me like a pounding headache,
It tugs at me like an excited child wanting to share their favorite toy,
It burns within me traveling throughout my body like blood boiling through my veins yearning to be released,
That’s why I secretly need you because my life feels better
You seem to restore me back to health, putting me back together.
I’m really not all that complicated
I’m pretty simple
I’m not a puzzle that you spend countless hours on trying to figure out
I’m actually something more like a lego
The piece is pretty obvious and if you attach yours to mine we make a perfect match.
I’m not someone that demands a lot of time
just someone that wants to see some effort
So when he told me he didn’t have time for me I immediately imagined myself cutting off the extremities below his waist!
The words, “I don’t have time” resonated in the chambers of my mind
I wondered if I opened up my legs as much as I did my heart would that make him stay?
If I let him call me whatever name I let him would he refuse to walk away?
So tell me again exactly
What am I to you?
Piece of meat
Flesh to flesh
someone that drains your urges when no one else is around
I know I’m definitely not a let’s go to the movies kinda thing
or let’s have dinner while we talk about our likes and dislikes kinda thing
I know I’m not a talk to you at night before bed kinda thing
where you use my words and voice to cuddle with instead of your sheets
I know I’m not a weekend thing because when Friday comes around your nonexistent and I find myself counting down the days, hours and minutes while checking your facebook post to see if your having fun without me.
So let me tell you what I am NOT!
I am NOT the on switch to the button between your legs
I am NOT a book you pretend to read to fill up space between your days
I am NOT a discount my worth is far more than a price tag
I am NOT an occasional call that you accidentally dial in your new ride while on your way to Vegas spittin out cheap lines
I am NOT
I will NOT be your sometimes!