One-Way Flight

There is a part of me that already feels your absence,

I feel it more when I experience long restless nights staring at an empty pillow laying beside me- then smelling your natural scent to keep me up throughout the day.

I hold on to the 30+ days I have left with you,

I AM scared!

Scared that there will be no return

Scared that you will find refuge in a strangers arms

Scared that you’ll forget my laughter, voice and lips

Scared that I’ll just be a memory and not a future event

Scared that you’ll sample coffee brown skin and be glad you got rid of cream

I’m scared because I know one thing will change when you leave

and that is

EVERY

thing.

 

~Stephanie Khano                                                    

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My Secret

I have a secret bigger than the two of us, bigger than the lies I tell myself, bigger than the dreams I pretend to chase, bigger than the weight I carry over my shoulders from all my past disappointments and regrets.

You’ve heard my secret before, I’ve whispered it to you through my skin while you crawl down to my Garden of Eden gently massaging my throbbing muscle.

I want you all to myself,

I can’t get you out of my head, not that I’m even trying to,

I don’t want you to get out, I want you to stay~

forever if you can.

My secret sneaks up on me daily like blessings in an unfamiliar crowd

You are an addiction

cravings I get like a strung out junkie but instead of needles I use your body parts for a fix

My secret is too heavy to carry alone,

It weighs on me like a pounding headache,

It tugs at me like an excited child wanting to share their favorite toy,

It burns within me traveling throughout my body like blood boiling through my veins yearning to be released,

That’s why I secretly need you because my life feels better

You seem to restore me back to health, putting me back together.

 

~Stephanie Khano

 

 

Non-Verbal Cues

I bet you everything in between these sheets that he wants to love me the way no one else has,

I see it in his eyes the way his pupils dilate when I walk by,

The way his heartbeat calls out to me through his chest,

The way he inhales when I smile,

The way his face turns red through his caramel skin,

The way he bites his lower lip when he stares, as if he’s picturing me under his tongue

tasting my scent

inhaling my skin

as I exhale,

The way he brushes his fingers methodically across my lips like he’s calling me to press mine against his,

The way he walks over to me and gently rubs up against my thigh,

The way he invites me over with just one look in his eye,

The way he patiently calls out to me as he takes a single breath

eyeing my every move,

wanting every inch,

without ever saying a word!

 

~Stephanie Khano

Poem for whenever I have time I’ll hang out with you kinda guy

I’m really not all that complicated

I’m pretty simple

I’m not a puzzle that you spend countless hours on trying to figure out

I’m actually something more like a lego

The piece is pretty obvious and if you attach yours to mine we make a perfect match.

I’m not someone that demands a lot of time

just someone that wants to see some effort

So when he told me he didn’t have time for me I immediately imagined myself cutting off the extremities below his waist!

The words, “I don’t have time” resonated in the chambers of my mind

I wondered if I opened up my legs as much as I did my heart would that make him stay?

If I let him call me whatever name I let him would he refuse to walk away?

So tell me again exactly

What am I to you?

Piece of meat

Flesh to flesh

someone that drains your urges when no one else is around

I know I’m definitely not a let’s go to the movies kinda thing

or let’s have dinner while we talk about our likes and dislikes kinda thing

I know I’m not a talk to you at night before bed kinda thing

where you use my words and voice to cuddle with instead of your sheets

I know I’m not a weekend thing because when Friday comes around your nonexistent and I find myself counting down the days, hours and minutes while checking your facebook post to see if your having fun without me.

So let me tell you what I am NOT!

I am NOT the on switch to the button between your legs

I am NOT a book you pretend to read to fill up space between your days

I am NOT a discount my worth is far more than a price tag

I am NOT an occasional call that you accidentally dial in your new ride while on your way to Vegas spittin out cheap lines

I am NOT

A hotline

A kinda

An almost

A maybe

I will NOT be your sometimes!

 

~Stephanie Khano

Silly Boys

I’m tired of being a magnet to guys that say they want to get to know me

but do absolutely nothing to try.

I’m tired of feeling like an option

like choices in a pantry that you contemplate to grab according to whatever mood your in.

to get in between these hips requires far more than just one text every month to say hi or making plans when you always end up breaking them anyway.

I know I’m worthy of more than that, at least I thought I was.

you see, my father use to tell me my body is not something that should be used like trash

until I met boys that contradicted my daddy’s statement

and yes I did say boys

not ones that are physically in there pubescent years but ones that mentally and emotionally define themselves as “men” based on the number of vaginas they friend requested on Facebook.

boys don’t understand-

I don’t want you to want me

I want you to need me

I want you to feel high around me without having to take a hit

I want you to make me feel special

I want you to smell me when I’m not around

I want you to browse through the lingerie department and picture me in every single nightie

and when you see others kissing I want you to picture~

you and I

I want you to hold me so tight that your hug speaks to me and tells me it misses me even

when I’m around

I wanna be the book that you read and not one you just keep on your nightstand or browse through when your bored

silly boys, women are worth far more than just there vaginas

my daddy taught me this

didn’t yours?

 

~Stephanie Khano

Scars

So now I’m in the dark- facedown

waiting for you to come inside-

not sure why

It’s complicated already between you and I- face to face

so facedown won’t change.

I’m secretly hoping your warm breath behind my neck will make things alright and that the scars in the front can’t be seen from the back,

I so desperately want the innocent part of you to crawl into me,

to feel a stirring of life inside,

to know I can feel alive again with the turn of your key and leave the bad boy, I’ve come to hate, facedown

like you always left me.

 

~Stephanie Khano

Untitled

I know I cry a lot and for many things,

like sad movies or failing, abandoned dreams and songs that remind me of the past.

Stupid things too, like you and all the problems I’ve created for myself in my  head.

But lately, what I’ve been crying about most is myself the person I used to be and lost and the person in the present with no clue about her future.

                                                                                                  ~Anonymous